Almost every year at the end of the school year, as kids’ school activities dominate my wife’s calendar, I remember hearing her say “I can’t wait for school to be over!” It seemed we were only a week or two into summers when I remember her saying “I can’t wait until school starts!”

When routines are changed and much more time is spent together, annoying behaviors and characteristics tend to become amplified.  This got me thinking about all of the ways we outsource our children, families, relationships, etc. – oftentimes to compensate for certain behaviors or to simply avoid them.  While there are corresponding positives of each of the following bullets, here are some ways we (i.e., the McNeills) outsource our kids and ourselves:

• Our girls’ sports occupy a lot of their time.  No doubt they learn great lessons, make friends, have fun, etc.  Sometimes we find ourselves hoping it will simply serve to burn off energy so they will go to bed early.
• Our girls have a lot of play dates at home or at their friends’ homes.  When they are engaged with friends, they tend to be more out of our hair.
• Our girls zone out with technology. For them, this means watching YouTube videos, making Video Star videos or posting pics on Instagram.
• Our girls each have their own room at home and can disappear from the rest of the family whenever they want.
• We get together with other couples that also have kids. All the kids play together and the couples hang out, or the men talk while the ladies talk. Even though we are together, we are often really apart as the same time.
• My wife and I both have our own personal outlets (e.g., tennis, working out, etc.) where we are on our own and away from our family.

Our outsourcing recently came to an end as we’ve literally spent the whole summer together. We have eaten every meal together and shopped most grocery runs as a family.  When we’ve done pretty much anything we’ve done it together.  With the exception of a bit of technology, all of the above bullets have been absent from our lives this summer. It’s been interesting, eye-opening, frustrating, great, annoying, etc. – often all at the same time.  Here is what we are learning and experiencing:

• Certain character traits (of myself, my wife and all four daughters) that were perhaps in the shadows but managed via outsourcing are now front and center, and we have no choice but to address them.
  • We’ve talked a lot around the table about how these behaviors detract from the family.  Eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together is a great platform for family discussions.  We’ve lingered at the end of meals and just talked and laughed.  It might have only been possible because none of us had anywhere else to go, but that doesn’t really matter. The moments and associated lessons still occurred.
  • We are making each girl room with each sister for four months during our twelve-month stay.  It was awesome when the two girls with the most combative relationship huddled together to make a list of rules they’d try to live by in order to get along better while rooming.

• Having individual outlets is really important for our family. For my wife and I, it helps build an appreciation for other family members when we are without them. It makes us miss our girls more.  When we get to engage in personal pursuits that we enjoy, we are more inclined to proactively help them do things they want to do.  After a summer without any individual outlets, we are very ready to reintroduce some into our lives.

• We learn a lot from socializing with other families.   We’ve got some great friends at home that are great role models as spouses and parents.  We pick up insights all the time that we try to apply in our own lives.  It is more difficult now that we are largely winging it on our own, but luckily we are starting to meet some new friends that can hopefully help fill this void.

• All of us are a bit more selfish than we should be.  A few years ago, Kevin Myers mentioned, “The magic of family is in sacrifice.  Are you silently sacrificing or silently selfish?” A few small instances of sacrifice go such a long way that it amazes me that continual sacrifice is not intrinsically built into my DNA and that I have to constantly remind myself to do this.

Sometimes when your circumstances change, the “silent sacrifice” or “silent selfishness” becomes a loud boom that everyone can hear.  Perhaps a large reset is good for all of us to experience every now and then to bring things to the surface and allow for real reflection and addressing.