Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Leadership, Parenting, Simplicity

Our personal experiment in “simplicity”

November 30, 2013 David McNeill 7 Comments

We have spent the last six months on a personal experiment in “simplicity.” For us this meant “simplicity” from our accumulated stuff, consumerism (i.e., buying more stuff) and our typically busy schedules. Not trying to suggest we led a monk’s existence while we were here in Costa Rica – we took some awesome beach trips and visited many parts of the country, but below are the intentional things we did as a family in pursuit of “simplicity”.

We moved here with two duffle bags per person, each weighing <40 lbs. Each person’s bags included their clothes, electronics, books, personal items, etc. This was to last each of us six months and needless to say, we left a ton of stuff at home. And each of us has not only realized we don’t miss most of what we left behind, we can’t remember most of it.
We decided to drastically minimize new purchases that were even close to a “want” vs. a “need.” We ended up repairing (e.g., shoes and pants) vs. replacing in many cases. Our daughters were aware of this decision, and amazingly were able to all but eliminate “I want …” from their vocabulary during our time here.
We rented a relatively small furnished home. I’ve spent less than five minutes fixing anything in this house since we arrived six months ago. With relatively limited cabinet/fridge/freezer space, we simply don’t have the room to buy lots of food and therefore have thrown away almost no spoiled food. At home in the US, we have so much more cabinet/fridge/freezer space than we really need and we always seem to fill it up.
Our girls’ sporting activities were limited to those at school, and when the bus dropped them off they were home for the night. In contrast, my wife and I are basically chauffeurs for our girls and their activities every weeknight in the US. Here, we have eaten dinner together as a family almost every night.
My wife and I shared one car. This has been tough, although it is still a pretty blessed position by world standards where the overwhelming majority of people do not have even one car. Regardless, there were things we simply said “no” to as one or the other had the car, we walked to the grocery store if need be, and in general, we just made it work.
Perhaps most important, we’ve had meaningful conversations with our girls throughout the last six months about simplicity and the options it affords you in life.

Without real intentionality, planning and family communication, I don’t think these things would have happened. For us, temporarily moving abroad enhanced our ability to make this experiment a go as we started with a “clean slate.” [For some awesome and inspiring examples of proactively living “simplicity” in everyday life, I highly suggest reading “More or Less” by Jeff Shinabarger.]

There is an inertia effect in our lives that seems to demand more “stuff” and more commitments and it is so hard to overcome. I am hopeful that having “lived” the lessons in this experiment that we will be able to remember them when inertia once again begins to take hold at some point in the future. And it’s my hope there are other aspects of simplicity we can bake into our DNA. As Richard Foster describes so eloquently in his book “Celebration of Discipline” – “If what we have, we (1) view as a gift vs. earned by our own merit, (2) it is to be cared for by God – I.e., we don’t get all hung up or anxious over losing it, and (3) it is available to others – then we will possess freedom from anxiety.” And not be owned by our “stuff.” That would be a pretty great place to be.

I believe our “simplicity” exercise will have a meaningful long-term effect on my family. Not every day necessarily, but hopefully at some point when it really counts.

How are you simplifying your life?

Costa Rica, Family, Leadership, Learning a second language, Learning Spanish

What’s the return rate on an “experience?”

September 12, 2013 David McNeill 2 Comments

images copy In a recent national poll with two choices – keep your current debt level or gain 25 pounds and have your debt erased, 72% of Americans said they’d rather keep the debt than put on the pounds. A fascinating statistic considering the average household’s debt is 112% of disposable income. So for most of us, vanity trumps financial peace of mind. What other financial trade-offs might we be willing to make?

Here is one for consideration. What percentage of your current savings would you give up to spend a one-year sabbatical, family experience abroad complete with rich learnings? This question hits close to home for me as we are trying to capture the following things on our experience abroad.

For some context to answer this question here is some food for thought.

A one-year excursion to a foreign country is very expensive. Without real intentionality and financial planning, it will never happen. And all the advanced planning and budgeting still doesn’t ease the pain of seeing investment dollars (and Colones) go through the drain (especially while the faucet is temporarily shut off). There are the cash costs such as school, rent, a car, monthly expenses abroad, monthly expenses back home, etc. Add on top of this new foregone savings (you don’t really give up salary on a sabbatical, only the savings/investment that would have resulted from that salary).

Assessing the value of an abroad “experience” is very difficult. It’s kind of an expense and it’s kind of an investment, but not exactly either. Keep in mind that there will be storms along the way, so your notion of the “experience value” will likely shift throughout the experience and well after. And the value placed on a particular experience will vary by as many people as you ask, so perhaps consider the questions below:

What would be the value to you in reclaiming a year with your oldest kids?
How about the value of your family knowing a second language and culture?
How about the value of personal reflection time vs. a never-ending to-do list?
How about the value of pursuing and mastering a long-desired hobby?
How about completing all of the above things at the same time?
Are you ready to weather the storms that come during the experience?

In our current situation, the immediate costs are much easier to determine than the collective long-term benefits, which makes the process a struggle at times. Regardless, this was our dream and our gut feel is that it will pay off in many multiples over time, and likely even in some unexpected ways.

Costa Rica, Family, Friendship, Simplicity

Turns out there are not many “things” that we really miss …

July 27, 2013 David McNeill 1 Comment

Our point of departure (Atlanta): Spacious home, pool, abundance of clothes and stuff and lots of busyness in our lives. Our point of arrival (Costa Rica for a year): Much smaller home, very few clothes, personal items and personal commitments (at least initially). For a bit more perspective, each member of my family brought two suitcases (< 40 lbs. each) with all their clothes, personal items, books, electronics, etc. – with four daughters in my house this deal wasn’t an easy sell. On top of that we decided not to buy any new or replacement items while we are here.

We are now a few months into our adventure and have inevitably discussed things we don’t really miss, kind of miss or definitely miss.

Don’t really miss

Clothes. I brought enough clothes to fill 17” of hanging closet space and a handful of drawers. While I occasionally think, “I wish I had brought xyz”, there is a peace in the simplicity of not having that many choices in the morning. It was also very therapeutic while packing to give the majority of my stuff away, leave some in Atlanta and take a little bit down here.
Our home. We built our home and we love it, but are doing just fine in a smaller, furnished rental. I haven’t spent a minute fixing anything and due to size I am able to locate any family member within about ten seconds.
All of our stuff. I believe we are pretty good at giving stuff away if we no longer use it frequently, however, like most families we tend to be net accumulators over time.
TV. Aside from some CNN and the occasional cable show, I don’t watch much TV here. I don’t miss the nightly news that is so full of murders, arrests, etc. A caveat – I will likely revisit this particular bullet when football season begins.
The overall busyness of our lives.

Miss, but could get used to doing without

Knowing where things are. Stores, restaurants, doctors, etc. There is a sense of peace from being knowledgeable about your surroundings. Probably not too long before I will be able to say this about my new home.
How I feel every time I drive into my neighborhood. It is beautiful & peaceful.
Brightness after 6:00. The sunset in Costa Rica varies from about 5:15 to 6:00 over the course of the entire year. I find myself exhausted at what I think must be 10:00 only to find it is only 8:00.
Street lights. There are very few here and it is pretty dark at night.
Street names/numbers. There are very few named streets and most directions involve landmark locations. That said, I was introduced to the best GPS tool I’ve used called Waze (http://www.waze.com) that has made things easier.

Truly Miss

Our family. We miss each of them dearly.
12Stone Church (http://www.12stone.com). We are participating in the on-line services and are getting involved in a great local church here, but a live 12Stone campus is still home.
Our dogs, who we were not able to bring with us. We were blessed to have our dog trainers (Dawn & Karisha) graciously offer to take care of them.
Close friends – i.e., those people with whom we regularly do life.
Casual friends – i.e., friends we don’t get together with that often but when we do we always have fun and leave encouraged.
My business partners and old friends at 4^th Strand.

Before leaving Atlanta I had a conversation with some of my best friends about how difficult a permanent move would be at this point in life with everything we have to be thankful for. I hope that upon our return this is all the more evident and we find ourselves bursting with an appreciation that doesn’t fade over time. Not for any of the “things” in our life as it turns out the only real “things” we miss are the important people and communities to which we belong.

Andy Stanley has said, “you will never know your most impactful leadership moments until well after the fact, and maybe not ever.” I am very fortunate to be surrounded by great people who speak into my life continuously, even if they aren’t aware of this fact. These people and the daily lessons I receive from them are the “things” I truly miss.

What are the “things” you could live without in order to reflect on the “things” you value most? Or rather, what are the “things” in your life that might be clouding what you should value more?

Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Parenting

Unable to outsource my family!!!

July 20, 2013 David McNeill 2 Comments

Almost every year at the end of the school year, as kids’ school activities dominate my wife’s calendar, I remember hearing her say “I can’t wait for school to be over!” It seemed we were only a week or two into summers when I remember her saying “I can’t wait until school starts!”

When routines are changed and much more time is spent together, annoying behaviors and characteristics tend to become amplified. This got me thinking about all of the ways we outsource our children, families, relationships, etc. – oftentimes to compensate for certain behaviors or to simply avoid them. While there are corresponding positives of each of the following bullets, here are some ways we (i.e., the McNeills) outsource our kids and ourselves:

Our girls’ sports occupy a lot of their time. No doubt they learn great lessons, make friends, have fun, etc. Sometimes we find ourselves hoping it will simply serve to burn off energy so they will go to bed early.
Our girls have a lot of play dates at home or at their friends’ homes. When they are engaged with friends, they tend to be more out of our hair.
Our girls zone out with technology. For them, this means watching YouTube videos, making Video Star videos or posting pics on Instagram.
Our girls each have their own room at home and can disappear from the rest of the family whenever they want.
We get together with other couples that also have kids. All the kids play together and the couples hang out, or the men talk while the ladies talk. Even though we are together, we are often really apart as the same time.
My wife and I both have our own personal outlets (e.g., tennis, working out, etc.) where we are on our own and away from our family.

Our outsourcing recently came to an end as we’ve literally spent the whole summer together. We have eaten every meal together and shopped most grocery runs as a family. When we’ve done pretty much anything we’ve done it together. With the exception of a bit of technology, all of the above bullets have been absent from our lives this summer. It’s been interesting, eye-opening, frustrating, great, annoying, etc. – often all at the same time. Here is what we are learning and experiencing:

Certain character traits (of myself, my wife and all four daughters) that were perhaps in the shadows but managed via outsourcing are now front and center, and we have no choice but to address them.

Having individual outlets is really important for our family. For my wife and I, it helps build an appreciation for other family members when we are without them. It makes us miss our girls more. When we get to engage in personal pursuits that we enjoy, we are more inclined to proactively help them do things they want to do. After a summer without any individual outlets, we are very ready to reintroduce some into our lives.

We learn a lot from socializing with other families. We’ve got some great friends at home that are great role models as spouses and parents. We pick up insights all the time that we try to apply in our own lives. It is more difficult now that we are largely winging it on our own, but luckily we are starting to meet some new friends that can hopefully help fill this void.

All of us are a bit more selfish than we should be. A few years ago, Kevin Myers mentioned, “The magic of family is in sacrifice. Are you silently sacrificing or silently selfish?” A few small instances of sacrifice go such a long way that it amazes me that continual sacrifice is not intrinsically built into my DNA and that I have to constantly remind myself to do this.

Sometimes when your circumstances change, the “silent sacrifice” or “silent selfishness” becomes a loud boom that everyone can hear. Perhaps a large reset is good for all of us to experience every now and then to bring things to the surface and allow for real reflection and addressing.

Costa Rica, Family, Learning a second language, Learning Spanish

Learning Spanish is like being in a coma…

July 12, 2013 David McNeill 3 Comments

… I’ve read that many people who have woken up from comas claim they could hear and understand the things being said around them, but simply couldn’t respond vocally or physically. This is crudely similar to my Spanish abilities after one month of immersion school at Conversa. I comprehend much of what I hear – I just find it impossible to speak the language most of the time.

My Spanish abilities hierarchy is as follows: (1) When reading I comprehend Spanish pretty well. (2) When listening (and if spoken slowly) I can understand it fair to good. (3) However, forming a childlike sentence and saying it with confidence can be incredibly difficult and frustrating. I am equally frustrated to learn just how much English grammar I have forgotten – does anyone over 40 not presently employed as an English teacher remember exactly what are indirect objects, past participles, future perfect tenses, etc.?

In short, learning a new language is very difficult. And, I am blessed to have the means (i.e., the time off and the money to afford) for immersion school. I have a newfound empathy for people in the US who cannot speak English and will certainly have an altered perspective the next time I hear someone utter “Speak the language (i.e., English) or leave the country.” For most people trying to learn a second language in even the best of circumstances, it simply isn’t that easy.

So, how much of a new language can one really master in one year? In one of my favorite books, “Outliers”, Malcolm Gladwell (http://www.gladwell.com) discusses the need to invest 10,000 hours in a trade or activity to reach expert status. I’m currently investing in six weeks of immersion school at seven hours a day for five days each week. This equates to 210 hours of Spanish or roughly 2% of the necessary time needed to reach expert status. Barely a dent. In the 354 days I have remaining in Costa Rica, I would need to invest:

27 hours per day to reach 10,000 hours (i.e., Expert) – not possible
14 hours per day to reach 5,000 hours (i.e., Fluent?) – not likely
6.5 hours per day to reach 2,500 hours (i.e., ?) – possible with real dedication

In short, truly learning a second language while living your life in your primary language seems impossible to me. We are fortunate to be learning Spanish while living in a Spanish-speaking community and we are trying to break the pattern of speaking English while in our home, but old habits die hard.

I’m hopeful the immersion classes truly kick-start the speaking process for my whole family (by the way, I highly recommend http://www.conversa.com). We debated spending the summer relaxing and getting settled and then trying to begin the language process – vs. spending seven+ hours a day with our brains in overdrive. But we were reminded of something said by our friend (and pastor) Kevin Myers about training endurance vs. trial endurance – “If you don’t endure the training, you will be forced to endure the trials.” This statement is true and applicable far beyond language training to personal finance, relationships, etc. Regardless, we opted to endure the training to minimize the longer-term trials.

Recently, I’ve come across many Costa Ricans who have been patient and understanding as I fumbled for simple words. I felt foolish and frustrated but their kind expressions and encouragement were a real shot in the arm. In contrast, I’ve come across other people who were clearly frustrated by my lack of Spanish and I suspect we both left the interaction a bit worse than we entered it.

So … the next time you come across someone who is struggling with English, please be patient and be an encourager. Remember, what they are trying to do is really hard.

How was your experience learning a second language? Any tips?

Costa Rica, Family, Leadership

“Spending your time isn’t just a metaphor”

July 6, 2013 David McNeill 6 Comments

One of our goals for this year was to reclaim some family time while in Costa Rica. As of today we have been here for one month and almost 10% of our trip is now in the rearview mirror. We have lots left that we’d like to accomplish but without real intentionality, plans and dreams tend to drop by the wayside and are long forgotten. Sometimes a visual reminder can be helpful.

Pictured is a vase with 51 stones that sits on our dining room table – it represents the number of weeks we have left in Costa Rica before we return to Atlanta. Each week as a family we pull out one stone and throw it away. This gives us a chance to discuss the things we still hope to accomplish while we are here and use the stones as a visual reminder of how little time we have left in this place.

This illustration wasn’t my idea (I heard a similar example on a John Maxwell podcast and have seen it elsewhere since). In the same podcast, Dr. Maxwell said a great and thought-provoking expression – “Spending your time isn’t just a metaphor.” This expression can be brought to light in many different ways. E.g.,

Based on actuarial tables and my personal health I have 43 years left to live (www.deathclock.com – a bit morbid I know but perspective setting nonetheless). We have ~12 months left in Costa Rica and therefore almost 2½% of my remaining life will be spent here. At the end of the day, how I spend my time here matters, as it is a meaningful percent of my remaining time on earth.

My wife and I theoretically have 317 Saturdays with our oldest daughter Hailey before she leaves for college (theoretical because I know teenage years will deplete the actual number of Saturdays we get with her). In years past the extra hours I worked at night and on weekends over the course of a year or two probably exceeded the amount of time in my daughter’s remaining Saturdays at home. It’s so easy to convince one’s self the extra hours at work are so critical, but six years from now where will I be happier to have invested my time?

Or to paraphrase the example from Dr. Maxwell’s podcast, if someone my age decides to really kill themselves at work for the next five years in order to afford a second home, that equates to ~12.5% of their remaining life. A true cost indeed.

Steve Farrar wrote a phenomenal book called “Point Man” that has one of my favorite quotes regarding family/relationships/parenting, “Quality time comes at the most unusual moments. You never know when it will happen. It usually makes an appearance someplace in the realm of quantity time.” While we have always tried to be intentional about family time, we now have a unique chance to take advantage of some serious “quantity time” and to fill it with meaningful experiences that we can discuss and laugh about together for many, many years. If we are really successful leveraging our time in Costa Rica, our meaningful experiences will accrue commensurate with the depleting of the stones and we won’t find ourselves one day staring at the empty jar wondering where the time went.

river rock 1

Is the return on how you are currently spending your time worth the investment?
Could added focus/intentionality make a difference in the quality and quantity of stories you’ll be able to tell one day?
Where and how might a visual reminder prove meaningful for you?

Costa Rica, Family, Journaling

“I’ll talk about this at her rehearsal dinner” … with some help from my journal

June 28, 2013 David McNeill 5 Comments

For the last several days I’ve been telling myself I really need to journal all of the things that have been happening in our lives. It’s so easy for me to let “life” take over and ignore the urge to write things down, but each time I read my journal I am so thankful the younger me took the time.

Why I started journaling: I began journaling in 2008 although I had considered doing so well before then and on many different occasions. Two occurrences convinced me it was finally time. First, I utterly forgot something I was sure I would never forget, that I had boldly claimed “I’ll talk about this at her rehearsal dinner”. And yet I forgot until I was reminded years later when the critical details had faded. God knows what needless information had taken the place of this precious memory over the years. Second, I saw the real value a mentor and friend of mine (Corey Baker) got from his journal.

What I journal: I suspect a journal is as individual of a thing as one’s own thoughts. For me, I write down inspiring or funny quotes I want to remember, thoughts about each member of my family, fun experiences, personal goals, scripture I’m contemplating, etc. Lately I’ve been using a Journal App (myMemoir) but I’m not convinced I won’t go back to a hand-written journal.

How I benefit from journaling: I frequently read my journal and I’m reminded of sights, sounds, emotions, etc. that I know would have faded from memory if not for my journal. Doing so helps me refocus intentionality on the most important things in my life. For example, many years ago I completed an exercise called Tribute Statements (also at the advice of my friend Corey Baker) – below is an excerpt from that exercise that I journaled regarding what I would hope to hear my four girls say at my 80th birthday party. This is one of my most personal and important journal entries.

“My dad never gave up on me when I strayed or fell or didn’t believe in myself.”
“My dad always encouraged me and emphasized my positives.”
“My dad showed me and told me every day how much he loved me.”
“My dad cherished my mom every single day.”
“My dad was the spiritual leader of our family.”
“My dad set the bar high for the type of man I married and raised a family with.”
“My dad always stood up for the innocent and weak.”

I ended the above list with the entry “I need to make sure my thoughts, expressions, words and actions are always aligned with accomplishing the above outcome.” Or to quote Stephen Covey, “Begin with the End in Mind.” I’ll confess it’s hard for me not to get a bit emotional when reading and thinking about this list, however, every time I do so I give myself a mental score on how I’m doing and think of ways to be a better father.

Reflections on what I have written over the last five years helped drive our decision to spend a year in Costa Rica and how we will utilize our time. I suspect events and feelings that lead to journal entries over the course of the next year will help influence where I land next professionally and also have great impact on my personal life.

I encourage you to pick up a pen (or a keyboard) and start journaling about those things most important to you … that you are just sure you will never forget.

Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Leadership, Learning a second language, Learning Spanish, Parenting

Temporarily Trading Additional Prosperity for Peace (or, why we moved to Costa Rica for a year)

June 21, 2013 David McNeill 20 Comments

Why? When I first told friends we were considering this move, I was asked why. Right up until our departure I was asked why. Now that we are here, I continue to be asked why by “Ticos” (i.e., Costa Ricans).

The answer to – why? – is really a two-part answer. First, why move abroad for a year? Second, of the available options, why Costa Rica? The second question is easier to answer – schools, safety, things to do and visit, natural beauty, etc. The answer to the first question is multi-faceted and has evolved over several years.

1) Gain perspective for our kids (and us). Our home in Costa Rica is very different from our home in GA. E.g., Our entire lot (yard + house) is 50% of the sq. ft. of our GA house by itself; our four girls share a space that is much smaller than any one of their four bedrooms at home, we are within a few miles of severe poverty and drive through it daily. That said, perspective is relative as our home and neighborhood in Costa Rica are both beautiful – to a Tico, we are living large.

Our girls’ school is 80% local Ticos. For the next twelve months, they will be in a very small minority and all of us are made aware daily of our lack of Spanish comprehension and speaking abilities. It’s our sincere hope that these different surroundings coupled with the items listed below lead to long-term changed perspectives.

2) Learn Spanish. A few interesting facts regarding Spanish – (a) The US composes the largest Spanish-speaking community outside of Mexico, (b) Spanish is the primary language spoken at home in the US by almost 37 million people, more than double the number in 1990, and (c) The percent of the US population forecast to be native Spanish speakers by 2020 ranges from 15%-19%, depending upon the source.

Speaking (and reading and writing) Spanish will most certainly impact our family in a positive way over the longer-term. For me, I am hoping there is a whole new section of the business world in which I will ultimately be able to be a participant of consequence.

3) Experience change for growth. Whether it is a new job or assignment or a move to a new city, every time I dig into something new there is creative energy that comes to the surface. We are now meeting new friends, learning to drive around a city with no road signs and immersing ourselves in a new language & culture. I am hopeful these new challenges reveal hidden strengths and capabilities in each of us.

4) Serve others as a family. We did not need to leave Duluth in order to serve others. However, our ability to do so is now greatly simplified as we have freed ourselves from many of the accumulated day-to-day obligations of life for a brief period of time. Our goal is to engage in a way that creates a permanent change in each of our hearts.

5) Implement a bit of whimsy (a la Bob Goff) and reclaim some family time. Bob Goff’s book, “Love Does”, convinced me I needed to break free from some of the rigidity in our lives and embrace some spontaneous and random joy. It’s my hope I can write a future blog about the implementation of many whimsical family experiences. Additionally, our oldest daughter is about to enter 7^th grade where friends seem to be more important than family. Maybe in this new place we can reclaim a bit of time before the inevitable.

6) Actively pursue Halftime. Bob Buford’s book “Halftime” helped put some good definition around many conversations I had with Kelah regarding this trip. I read this book after listening to a John Maxwell podcast on his top 10 all-time books and it didn’t disappoint. In short, the book prescribes a “halftime” to refocus from a first half of life spent pursuing success to a second half to be spent pursuing significance. In short, “what I do about what I believe.” I’ve incorporated this language into my blog tag line (I.e., Intentional Pursuit of Halftime) and I anticipate writing a future blog on this topic.