Facebook, Family, Fatherhood, Friendship, Parenting, Social Media

The caricature trap of Facebook

November 8, 2013 David McNeill 5 Comments

The caricature trap of Facebook – as in a greatly exaggerated version of real life, that often imparts the wrong take-aways.

Facebook is an awesome tool for connecting and I am a fan. However, I have lately been confronted by two dynamics that are just wrong. They are wrong for adults and they are wrong for my oldest daughter who just turned thirteen and recently set up a Facebook account.

Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s Facebook life. Looking at my page or my wife’s page one might assume our life is all sun, beaches and margaritas. We receive comments from people all the time about “living in paradise every day.” In reality, we live minutes away from pretty bad poverty, we struggle with language barriers daily, we struggle through homework with four kids every evening and we usually go to bed exhausted. There are ups and downs like everyone else.

Facebook only shows a few snapshots of an otherwise long movie and most of us (myself included) tend to show nice pictures from nice experiences. In a similar fashion ESPN highlights show perhaps 5 plays out of ~130 from a typical football game. They don’t show the plays that produced no tangible results yet took the same effort and energy.

I love this quote from Jim Collins – “Comparison is the cardinal sin of modern life. It traps us in a game we can’t win. Once we define ourselves in terms of others, we lose the freedom to shape our own lives.” How much more is this true when we are comparing apples (our real life) to oranges (someone else’s Facebook life)? And with 10% of Facebook accounts believed to be fake, the comparisons can be even more outrageous.

Don’t seek worth or approval from “comments” and/or “likes”. A day after my daughter put up pictures on her new Facebook account she was a bit miffed that neither my wife nor I had “liked” her pictures. She actually felt unappreciated because we had not “liked” her pictures. I suspect this one instance is a microcosm of what happens with lots of people – I.e., feeling upset, disrespected or unappreciated because of not receiving “likes” or “comments” after posting a message or picture.

“Unexpressed gratitude expresses ingratitude” (from Andy Stanley) exists in real life. If my wife continually goes out of her way to do something nice for our family (she always does) and no one ever takes the time to recognize it, her likely inference would be that no one really cares. Somehow this dynamic gets incorrectly applied in the online world where the lack of a “comment” or “like” is viewed as a personal affront. This situation reminds me of a funny line (“people like-button me, they really like-button me!”) in a very funny song some friends wrote and performed – So Many Friends (That I Broke Facebook.)

My counsel to my thirteen year old (and to myself at times) is to not be so fragile in spirit or desperate for an approval that really doesn’t matter or have any bearing on your self-worth.

At the end of the day, Facebook (or any other social media platform) can be a great tool. Beyond simply staying connected, it highlights the above lessons (and many others) and can lead to some great parent-child conversations in your household. What lessons have you gleaned from Facebook and how have you applied them in your life?

[By the way, some “nice” new pictures are in the picture gallery]

Amazing Things, Family, Friendship, Nicaragua

Still Amazed

September 6, 2013 David McNeill 2 Comments

I recently sat on a balcony in Nicaragua for 30 minutes just watching the skyline and the falling sun in this picture. I’ve seen thousands of sunsets and they never cease to amaze me. Even when I know something will happen, should happen or could happen, I still find myself amazed when it does happen.

The dictionary defines “amaze” as follows: to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly; something unexpectedly wonderful. Even Jesus, an all-knowing savior, was amazed at something he knew would or could happen [albeit only twice; in Luke 7:9 he was amazed at the centurion’s demonstration of faith and in Mark 6:6 he was amazed at a lack of faith in his hometown of Nazareth].

Focus on amazing things – they are all around you – and they can overcome the negative nuance of the day.

As a kid it is easy to marvel or wonder at lots of new things and as we get older our sense of wonderment at new things or experiences tends to fade. Each day, it is so easy to let my mind dwell on the negative things around me, instead of centering it on amazing experiences that enrich it, be they large or small. My current outlook and even my whole day can quickly turn positive when I look for and focus on amazing things all around me, such as:

Watching a beautiful sunrise or sunset. There is something lifting to the soul to quietly watch this happen.
Seeing my kids do something completely selfless, demonstrate great sportsmanship, etc. We expect these outcomes at least some of the time, but even so, when it happens it is magic.
Witnessing someone simply do the right thing – return incorrect change, stop and help someone with car trouble, etc.
Hearing a sermon or a verse in a song, or reading a passage in a book that seems to be crafted just for me and what I need to hear or read at that time.
My four girls running to give me hugs and kisses before catching the school bus in the morning warms my heart and provides lots of perspective on other issues.

How are you amazing someone right now?

As mentioned above, Jesus was only amazed twice in the New Testament; yet he continuously amazed everyone by what he said and what he did. I heard a message from Craig Groeschel once where he asked a simple question that has weighed on my mind since – “When was the last time people were amazed at your boldness (for the Kingdom)?”

The above question can be applied in some other similar contexts. What actions, big or small, could I be taking each day in my own life to amaze someone and give them something positive to focus on in their life? How could I amaze someone in a way that inspires him or her to take action? Or get out of a rut? Or take an uncomfortable step in a new, but needed, direction?

What’s amazing in your life that you should focus on when negative thoughts and feelings creep in? What could you be doing now to amaze others in a life affirming and uplifting way?

See more pics from our recent trip to Nicaragua in the picture gallery

Costa Rica, Family, Friendship, Simplicity

Turns out there are not many “things” that we really miss …

July 27, 2013 David McNeill 1 Comment

Our point of departure (Atlanta): Spacious home, pool, abundance of clothes and stuff and lots of busyness in our lives. Our point of arrival (Costa Rica for a year): Much smaller home, very few clothes, personal items and personal commitments (at least initially). For a bit more perspective, each member of my family brought two suitcases (< 40 lbs. each) with all their clothes, personal items, books, electronics, etc. – with four daughters in my house this deal wasn’t an easy sell. On top of that we decided not to buy any new or replacement items while we are here.

We are now a few months into our adventure and have inevitably discussed things we don’t really miss, kind of miss or definitely miss.

Don’t really miss

Clothes. I brought enough clothes to fill 17” of hanging closet space and a handful of drawers. While I occasionally think, “I wish I had brought xyz”, there is a peace in the simplicity of not having that many choices in the morning. It was also very therapeutic while packing to give the majority of my stuff away, leave some in Atlanta and take a little bit down here.
Our home. We built our home and we love it, but are doing just fine in a smaller, furnished rental. I haven’t spent a minute fixing anything and due to size I am able to locate any family member within about ten seconds.
All of our stuff. I believe we are pretty good at giving stuff away if we no longer use it frequently, however, like most families we tend to be net accumulators over time.
TV. Aside from some CNN and the occasional cable show, I don’t watch much TV here. I don’t miss the nightly news that is so full of murders, arrests, etc. A caveat – I will likely revisit this particular bullet when football season begins.
The overall busyness of our lives.

Miss, but could get used to doing without

Knowing where things are. Stores, restaurants, doctors, etc. There is a sense of peace from being knowledgeable about your surroundings. Probably not too long before I will be able to say this about my new home.
How I feel every time I drive into my neighborhood. It is beautiful & peaceful.
Brightness after 6:00. The sunset in Costa Rica varies from about 5:15 to 6:00 over the course of the entire year. I find myself exhausted at what I think must be 10:00 only to find it is only 8:00.
Street lights. There are very few here and it is pretty dark at night.
Street names/numbers. There are very few named streets and most directions involve landmark locations. That said, I was introduced to the best GPS tool I’ve used called Waze (http://www.waze.com) that has made things easier.

Truly Miss

Our family. We miss each of them dearly.
12Stone Church (http://www.12stone.com). We are participating in the on-line services and are getting involved in a great local church here, but a live 12Stone campus is still home.
Our dogs, who we were not able to bring with us. We were blessed to have our dog trainers (Dawn & Karisha) graciously offer to take care of them.
Close friends – i.e., those people with whom we regularly do life.
Casual friends – i.e., friends we don’t get together with that often but when we do we always have fun and leave encouraged.
My business partners and old friends at 4^th Strand.

Before leaving Atlanta I had a conversation with some of my best friends about how difficult a permanent move would be at this point in life with everything we have to be thankful for. I hope that upon our return this is all the more evident and we find ourselves bursting with an appreciation that doesn’t fade over time. Not for any of the “things” in our life as it turns out the only real “things” we miss are the important people and communities to which we belong.

Andy Stanley has said, “you will never know your most impactful leadership moments until well after the fact, and maybe not ever.” I am very fortunate to be surrounded by great people who speak into my life continuously, even if they aren’t aware of this fact. These people and the daily lessons I receive from them are the “things” I truly miss.

What are the “things” you could live without in order to reflect on the “things” you value most? Or rather, what are the “things” in your life that might be clouding what you should value more?