Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Leadership, Parenting, Simplicity

Our personal experiment in “simplicity”

November 30, 2013 David McNeill 7 Comments

We have spent the last six months on a personal experiment in “simplicity.” For us this meant “simplicity” from our accumulated stuff, consumerism (i.e., buying more stuff) and our typically busy schedules. Not trying to suggest we led a monk’s existence while we were here in Costa Rica – we took some awesome beach trips and visited many parts of the country, but below are the intentional things we did as a family in pursuit of “simplicity”.

We moved here with two duffle bags per person, each weighing <40 lbs. Each person’s bags included their clothes, electronics, books, personal items, etc. This was to last each of us six months and needless to say, we left a ton of stuff at home. And each of us has not only realized we don’t miss most of what we left behind, we can’t remember most of it.
We decided to drastically minimize new purchases that were even close to a “want” vs. a “need.” We ended up repairing (e.g., shoes and pants) vs. replacing in many cases. Our daughters were aware of this decision, and amazingly were able to all but eliminate “I want …” from their vocabulary during our time here.
We rented a relatively small furnished home. I’ve spent less than five minutes fixing anything in this house since we arrived six months ago. With relatively limited cabinet/fridge/freezer space, we simply don’t have the room to buy lots of food and therefore have thrown away almost no spoiled food. At home in the US, we have so much more cabinet/fridge/freezer space than we really need and we always seem to fill it up.
Our girls’ sporting activities were limited to those at school, and when the bus dropped them off they were home for the night. In contrast, my wife and I are basically chauffeurs for our girls and their activities every weeknight in the US. Here, we have eaten dinner together as a family almost every night.
My wife and I shared one car. This has been tough, although it is still a pretty blessed position by world standards where the overwhelming majority of people do not have even one car. Regardless, there were things we simply said “no” to as one or the other had the car, we walked to the grocery store if need be, and in general, we just made it work.
Perhaps most important, we’ve had meaningful conversations with our girls throughout the last six months about simplicity and the options it affords you in life.

Without real intentionality, planning and family communication, I don’t think these things would have happened. For us, temporarily moving abroad enhanced our ability to make this experiment a go as we started with a “clean slate.” [For some awesome and inspiring examples of proactively living “simplicity” in everyday life, I highly suggest reading “More or Less” by Jeff Shinabarger.]

There is an inertia effect in our lives that seems to demand more “stuff” and more commitments and it is so hard to overcome. I am hopeful that having “lived” the lessons in this experiment that we will be able to remember them when inertia once again begins to take hold at some point in the future. And it’s my hope there are other aspects of simplicity we can bake into our DNA. As Richard Foster describes so eloquently in his book “Celebration of Discipline” – “If what we have, we (1) view as a gift vs. earned by our own merit, (2) it is to be cared for by God – I.e., we don’t get all hung up or anxious over losing it, and (3) it is available to others – then we will possess freedom from anxiety.” And not be owned by our “stuff.” That would be a pretty great place to be.

I believe our “simplicity” exercise will have a meaningful long-term effect on my family. Not every day necessarily, but hopefully at some point when it really counts.

How are you simplifying your life?

Facebook, Family, Fatherhood, Friendship, Parenting, Social Media

The caricature trap of Facebook

November 8, 2013 David McNeill 5 Comments

The caricature trap of Facebook – as in a greatly exaggerated version of real life, that often imparts the wrong take-aways.

Facebook is an awesome tool for connecting and I am a fan. However, I have lately been confronted by two dynamics that are just wrong. They are wrong for adults and they are wrong for my oldest daughter who just turned thirteen and recently set up a Facebook account.

Don’t compare your real life to someone else’s Facebook life. Looking at my page or my wife’s page one might assume our life is all sun, beaches and margaritas. We receive comments from people all the time about “living in paradise every day.” In reality, we live minutes away from pretty bad poverty, we struggle with language barriers daily, we struggle through homework with four kids every evening and we usually go to bed exhausted. There are ups and downs like everyone else.

Facebook only shows a few snapshots of an otherwise long movie and most of us (myself included) tend to show nice pictures from nice experiences. In a similar fashion ESPN highlights show perhaps 5 plays out of ~130 from a typical football game. They don’t show the plays that produced no tangible results yet took the same effort and energy.

I love this quote from Jim Collins – “Comparison is the cardinal sin of modern life. It traps us in a game we can’t win. Once we define ourselves in terms of others, we lose the freedom to shape our own lives.” How much more is this true when we are comparing apples (our real life) to oranges (someone else’s Facebook life)? And with 10% of Facebook accounts believed to be fake, the comparisons can be even more outrageous.

Don’t seek worth or approval from “comments” and/or “likes”. A day after my daughter put up pictures on her new Facebook account she was a bit miffed that neither my wife nor I had “liked” her pictures. She actually felt unappreciated because we had not “liked” her pictures. I suspect this one instance is a microcosm of what happens with lots of people – I.e., feeling upset, disrespected or unappreciated because of not receiving “likes” or “comments” after posting a message or picture.

“Unexpressed gratitude expresses ingratitude” (from Andy Stanley) exists in real life. If my wife continually goes out of her way to do something nice for our family (she always does) and no one ever takes the time to recognize it, her likely inference would be that no one really cares. Somehow this dynamic gets incorrectly applied in the online world where the lack of a “comment” or “like” is viewed as a personal affront. This situation reminds me of a funny line (“people like-button me, they really like-button me!”) in a very funny song some friends wrote and performed – So Many Friends (That I Broke Facebook.)

My counsel to my thirteen year old (and to myself at times) is to not be so fragile in spirit or desperate for an approval that really doesn’t matter or have any bearing on your self-worth.

At the end of the day, Facebook (or any other social media platform) can be a great tool. Beyond simply staying connected, it highlights the above lessons (and many others) and can lead to some great parent-child conversations in your household. What lessons have you gleaned from Facebook and how have you applied them in your life?

[By the way, some “nice” new pictures are in the picture gallery]

Faith, Family, Fatherhood, God, Parenting

Don’t make me come down there! (and other lessons God might be teaching us through parenting)

September 20, 2013 David McNeill 4 Comments

Me and my little girls

The statement “there is no better or harsher corrective to one’s thinking about human transformation and development than one’s children” is so true at times. As we wind our way through parenting our children, it is easy to envision God looking down at us, the parents, and shaking his head at the irony of how often we miss the lessons we attempt to teach. I assumed I might find a book or a series of articles on this topic, but could not, so I thought I’d share a few I’ve collected over time. Where I can recall a direct source for the metaphor it is attributed.

If you believe in God you might identify with some of this content. Even if you are unresolved spiritually or don’t believe in God, but are a parent you might identify with some of this content. For me personally, many of the below examples hit closer to home than I would like.

Situation: You are driving in the car and your children are arguing in the backseat about something that is completely trivial. You respond with something along the lines of “Don’t make me stop this car and come back there.” Lesson: How often must God look down at us arguing over denomination issues, biblical interpretation issues, inter-family issues, etc. – where we are certain it is more critical to be right than to simply show love to each other – and think, “Don’t make me come down there.” Metaphor from a Craig Groeschel message.

Situation: Two of your young children are fighting over who gets to cuddle with you (or run an errand, do something fun, etc.). Before you want to do the fun thing with either of them you want them to reconcile with each other, and if they are not willing, you don’t really want to give either of them any special time. Lesson: How often do we go to God with prayer, concerns, questions, etc. when we have unresolved conflict in our life? How often must God look upon us and think first apologize to those you have wronged and then come to me? Metaphor from a Craig Groeschel message.

Situation: You have bought your child something to eat – candy, popcorn, whatever. You innocently reach over to grab a bite or a handful and your gesture is met with groans or screams. Your first instinct is to say “I gave it to you and you can’t share just a little?” Lesson: My first instinct is way too often that what is mine is really mine. It is easy to envision God shaking his head thinking “I gave it to you and you can’t share just a little bit???” Metaphor from a Kevin Myers message.

Situation: Think back on the birth of your first child. Remember looking down at that little girl you just saw for the first time and thinking you would lay down your life for her, that you loved her more than you could describe, etc. And the truth is that she had done nothing to be deserving of your love and affection. Lesson: It is easy to forget that God loves each of us to an even greater degree than we can comprehend; despite the fact that we have done nothing to deserve it and way too often actively rebel against it.

Situation: You witness your child do something nice or selfless for someone else. Your heart gets filled in an amazing way and you find yourself wanting to lift up your child in some positive way. Lesson: God lifts up those that lift up others. Every day I am confronted with many situations where my simple response can lift someone up or bring them down, bring more love into the world or more anger, etc. I get so proud when I see my kids make the obvious choice – it’s too bad that in a hurry or frustration or whatever other emotion, that I too often make the wrong choice.

Situation: Your child wants an additional privilege or responsibility and one of the first thoughts through your head is “you haven’t even done a good job with the other stuff you are responsible for, why would I give you more?” And that once they have proved themselves, you’ll consider their new request. Lesson: How often do we want to expand our earnings, our influence, etc. when we have failed to truly be a good steward of our present situation? It is easy to see God looking down in frustration saying, “please take care of this first and then we can consider something new.”

Situation: You are observing your young child trying to do something difficult – e.g., assembling a new toy. He or she gets frustrated but continues on without asking for help and their frustration grows along the way. You think, “I am right here, you just have to ask for my help.” Lesson: How often must God see us struggling, living in frustration, and think “I am right here – why don’t you ask me for help?” Metaphor from a Ken Coleman podcast.

The above sampling is just scratching the surface of real life examples that are easy to see with a bit of reflection – I can only imagine how deep this list will be for me once I’ve survived the teenage years with my kids. I’d encourage you to look for similar metaphors in your life that you can see in your parent/child relationship. Sometimes the pause for reflection can lead to real life change.

So, what lessons do you find yourself trying to teach your kids, that perhaps God would say you might need to listen to as well?

Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Parenting

Unable to outsource my family!!!

July 20, 2013 David McNeill 2 Comments

Almost every year at the end of the school year, as kids’ school activities dominate my wife’s calendar, I remember hearing her say “I can’t wait for school to be over!” It seemed we were only a week or two into summers when I remember her saying “I can’t wait until school starts!”

When routines are changed and much more time is spent together, annoying behaviors and characteristics tend to become amplified. This got me thinking about all of the ways we outsource our children, families, relationships, etc. – oftentimes to compensate for certain behaviors or to simply avoid them. While there are corresponding positives of each of the following bullets, here are some ways we (i.e., the McNeills) outsource our kids and ourselves:

Our girls’ sports occupy a lot of their time. No doubt they learn great lessons, make friends, have fun, etc. Sometimes we find ourselves hoping it will simply serve to burn off energy so they will go to bed early.
Our girls have a lot of play dates at home or at their friends’ homes. When they are engaged with friends, they tend to be more out of our hair.
Our girls zone out with technology. For them, this means watching YouTube videos, making Video Star videos or posting pics on Instagram.
Our girls each have their own room at home and can disappear from the rest of the family whenever they want.
We get together with other couples that also have kids. All the kids play together and the couples hang out, or the men talk while the ladies talk. Even though we are together, we are often really apart as the same time.
My wife and I both have our own personal outlets (e.g., tennis, working out, etc.) where we are on our own and away from our family.

Our outsourcing recently came to an end as we’ve literally spent the whole summer together. We have eaten every meal together and shopped most grocery runs as a family. When we’ve done pretty much anything we’ve done it together. With the exception of a bit of technology, all of the above bullets have been absent from our lives this summer. It’s been interesting, eye-opening, frustrating, great, annoying, etc. – often all at the same time. Here is what we are learning and experiencing:

Certain character traits (of myself, my wife and all four daughters) that were perhaps in the shadows but managed via outsourcing are now front and center, and we have no choice but to address them.

Having individual outlets is really important for our family. For my wife and I, it helps build an appreciation for other family members when we are without them. It makes us miss our girls more. When we get to engage in personal pursuits that we enjoy, we are more inclined to proactively help them do things they want to do. After a summer without any individual outlets, we are very ready to reintroduce some into our lives.

We learn a lot from socializing with other families. We’ve got some great friends at home that are great role models as spouses and parents. We pick up insights all the time that we try to apply in our own lives. It is more difficult now that we are largely winging it on our own, but luckily we are starting to meet some new friends that can hopefully help fill this void.

All of us are a bit more selfish than we should be. A few years ago, Kevin Myers mentioned, “The magic of family is in sacrifice. Are you silently sacrificing or silently selfish?” A few small instances of sacrifice go such a long way that it amazes me that continual sacrifice is not intrinsically built into my DNA and that I have to constantly remind myself to do this.

Sometimes when your circumstances change, the “silent sacrifice” or “silent selfishness” becomes a loud boom that everyone can hear. Perhaps a large reset is good for all of us to experience every now and then to bring things to the surface and allow for real reflection and addressing.

Costa Rica, Family, Fatherhood, Leadership, Learning a second language, Learning Spanish, Parenting

Temporarily Trading Additional Prosperity for Peace (or, why we moved to Costa Rica for a year)

June 21, 2013 David McNeill 20 Comments

Why? When I first told friends we were considering this move, I was asked why. Right up until our departure I was asked why. Now that we are here, I continue to be asked why by “Ticos” (i.e., Costa Ricans).

The answer to – why? – is really a two-part answer. First, why move abroad for a year? Second, of the available options, why Costa Rica? The second question is easier to answer – schools, safety, things to do and visit, natural beauty, etc. The answer to the first question is multi-faceted and has evolved over several years.

1) Gain perspective for our kids (and us). Our home in Costa Rica is very different from our home in GA. E.g., Our entire lot (yard + house) is 50% of the sq. ft. of our GA house by itself; our four girls share a space that is much smaller than any one of their four bedrooms at home, we are within a few miles of severe poverty and drive through it daily. That said, perspective is relative as our home and neighborhood in Costa Rica are both beautiful – to a Tico, we are living large.

Our girls’ school is 80% local Ticos. For the next twelve months, they will be in a very small minority and all of us are made aware daily of our lack of Spanish comprehension and speaking abilities. It’s our sincere hope that these different surroundings coupled with the items listed below lead to long-term changed perspectives.

2) Learn Spanish. A few interesting facts regarding Spanish – (a) The US composes the largest Spanish-speaking community outside of Mexico, (b) Spanish is the primary language spoken at home in the US by almost 37 million people, more than double the number in 1990, and (c) The percent of the US population forecast to be native Spanish speakers by 2020 ranges from 15%-19%, depending upon the source.

Speaking (and reading and writing) Spanish will most certainly impact our family in a positive way over the longer-term. For me, I am hoping there is a whole new section of the business world in which I will ultimately be able to be a participant of consequence.

3) Experience change for growth. Whether it is a new job or assignment or a move to a new city, every time I dig into something new there is creative energy that comes to the surface. We are now meeting new friends, learning to drive around a city with no road signs and immersing ourselves in a new language & culture. I am hopeful these new challenges reveal hidden strengths and capabilities in each of us.

4) Serve others as a family. We did not need to leave Duluth in order to serve others. However, our ability to do so is now greatly simplified as we have freed ourselves from many of the accumulated day-to-day obligations of life for a brief period of time. Our goal is to engage in a way that creates a permanent change in each of our hearts.

5) Implement a bit of whimsy (a la Bob Goff) and reclaim some family time. Bob Goff’s book, “Love Does”, convinced me I needed to break free from some of the rigidity in our lives and embrace some spontaneous and random joy. It’s my hope I can write a future blog about the implementation of many whimsical family experiences. Additionally, our oldest daughter is about to enter 7^th grade where friends seem to be more important than family. Maybe in this new place we can reclaim a bit of time before the inevitable.

6) Actively pursue Halftime. Bob Buford’s book “Halftime” helped put some good definition around many conversations I had with Kelah regarding this trip. I read this book after listening to a John Maxwell podcast on his top 10 all-time books and it didn’t disappoint. In short, the book prescribes a “halftime” to refocus from a first half of life spent pursuing success to a second half to be spent pursuing significance. In short, “what I do about what I believe.” I’ve incorporated this language into my blog tag line (I.e., Intentional Pursuit of Halftime) and I anticipate writing a future blog on this topic.

Fatherhood, Leadership, Parenting

How I’m like (or should try to be like) my Dad

June 15, 2013 David McNeill 17 Comments

I’ve told friends I plan to blog about our short-term move to Costa Rica – our rationale for the trip, our expectations, our experiences, etc. However, for my first blog post ever (on Father’s Day) I would like to share a few thoughts about fatherhood and my Dad.

As I sit to write this, I am less than two months shy of my 45^th birthday. I am a husband and a father and have lived outside of my parent’s roof for 23 years. Even so, I am acutely aware of how much I still need and want a relationship with my parents. In honor of Father’s Day, I’d like to share a few thoughts on how I’d like to imitate and duplicate what I’ve seen in my Dad.

How I treat my wife. As long as I’ve known my Dad, I’ve never heard him swear at my mom or call my mom a name. Ever. I’ve tried to adopt this and in my 14^th year of marriage, so far so good. I hope this one simple thing becomes a standard my four daughters expect in the way their future husbands treat them.

How I help my kids set high expectations. Growing up, college was always treated as a given. I distinctly remember my father discussing graduate school often when I was growing up. Never in a harsh, “you better do this” kind of way – always woven into the conversation in a non-threatening, “this is just the next step after college” kind of way. I do this often with my girls today. I hope they dream big and aspire to reach their God-given potential.

Living the lesson. Honesty and hard work were huge values of my Dad. In parenting there is the expression “more is caught than taught” and I believe this is largely how I learned these two values – by watching my Dad every day and in all situations. In fact, I still see these values at work today in everything he does. With my daughters, I am constantly evaluating what they see me do, what I say, the expressions I make, the intonation in my voice, etc. I know they are watching, listening and absorbing and it will influence how they live.

Andy Stanley (www.yourmove.is), one of my favorite authors and speakers, talks about how as our kids grow older we lose the position of power we had over them. When kids are young, we have a physical advantage and as they grow up through high school and college we hold positional power as we control the resources. However, physical and position power eventually fade away and if we haven’t led our kids through example and via influence, we will never have the kind of relationship with them that each of us wants in our heart and soul.

While I know I could never do Andy Stanley justice with a paraphrase, his message has stuck with me over the years as I find myself consistently wanting to spend time with my Dad for no other reason than I love him, I enjoy being with him and I want to continue learning from him. I no longer need his day-to-day approval or money, but I still desperately want to make him proud and gain his respect. Our respective geographies are currently preventing a live Father’s Day celebration this year. But I am with him in spirit. I love you Dad. Happy Father’s Day!