Father

Me and my little girls

The statement “there is no better or harsher corrective to one’s thinking about human transformation and development than one’s children” is so true at times. As we wind our way through parenting our children, it is easy to envision God looking down at us, the parents, and shaking his head at the irony of how often we miss the lessons we attempt to teach. I assumed I might find a book or a series of articles on this topic, but could not, so I thought I’d share a few I’ve collected over time. Where I can recall a direct source for the metaphor it is attributed.

If you believe in God you might identify with some of this content. Even if you are unresolved spiritually or don’t believe in God, but are a parent you might identify with some of this content. For me personally, many of the below examples hit closer to home than I would like.

Situation: You are driving in the car and your children are arguing in the backseat about something that is completely trivial. You respond with something along the lines of “Don’t make me stop this car and come back there.” Lesson: How often must God look down at us arguing over denomination issues, biblical interpretation issues, inter-family issues, etc. – where we are certain it is more critical to be right than to simply show love to each other – and think, “Don’t make me come down there.” Metaphor from a Craig Groeschel message.

Situation: Two of your young children are fighting over who gets to cuddle with you (or run an errand, do something fun, etc.). Before you want to do the fun thing with either of them you want them to reconcile with each other, and if they are not willing, you don’t really want to give either of them any special time. Lesson: How often do we go to God with prayer, concerns, questions, etc. when we have unresolved conflict in our life? How often must God look upon us and think first apologize to those you have wronged and then come to me? Metaphor from a Craig Groeschel message.

Situation: You have bought your child something to eat – candy, popcorn, whatever. You innocently reach over to grab a bite or a handful and your gesture is met with groans or screams. Your first instinct is to say “I gave it to you and you can’t share just a little?” Lesson: My first instinct is way too often that what is mine is really mine. It is easy to envision God shaking his head thinking “I gave it to you and you can’t share just a little bit???” Metaphor from a Kevin Myers message.

Situation: Think back on the birth of your first child. Remember looking down at that little girl you just saw for the first time and thinking you would lay down your life for her, that you loved her more than you could describe, etc. And the truth is that she had done nothing to be deserving of your love and affection. Lesson: It is easy to forget that God loves each of us to an even greater degree than we can comprehend; despite the fact that we have done nothing to deserve it and way too often actively rebel against it.

Situation: You witness your child do something nice or selfless for someone else. Your heart gets filled in an amazing way and you find yourself wanting to lift up your child in some positive way. Lesson: God lifts up those that lift up others. Every day I am confronted with many situations where my simple response can lift someone up or bring them down, bring more love into the world or more anger, etc. I get so proud when I see my kids make the obvious choice – it’s too bad that in a hurry or frustration or whatever other emotion, that I too often make the wrong choice.

Situation: Your child wants an additional privilege or responsibility and one of the first thoughts through your head is “you haven’t even done a good job with the other stuff you are responsible for, why would I give you more?” And that once they have proved themselves, you’ll consider their new request. Lesson: How often do we want to expand our earnings, our influence, etc. when we have failed to truly be a good steward of our present situation? It is easy to see God looking down in frustration saying, “please take care of this first and then we can consider something new.”

Situation: You are observing your young child trying to do something difficult – e.g., assembling a new toy. He or she gets frustrated but continues on without asking for help and their frustration grows along the way. You think, “I am right here, you just have to ask for my help.” Lesson: How often must God see us struggling, living in frustration, and think “I am right here – why don’t you ask me for help?” Metaphor from a Ken Coleman podcast.

The above sampling is just scratching the surface of real life examples that are easy to see with a bit of reflection – I can only imagine how deep this list will be for me once I’ve survived the teenage years with my kids. I’d encourage you to look for similar metaphors in your life that you can see in your parent/child relationship. Sometimes the pause for reflection can lead to real life change.

So, what lessons do you find yourself trying to teach your kids, that perhaps God would say you might need to listen to as well?

I’ve told friends I plan to blog about our short-term move to Costa Rica – our rationale for the trip, our expectations, our experiences, etc. However, for my first blog post ever (on Father’s Day) I would like to share a few thoughts about fatherhood and my Dad.

As I sit to write this, I am less than two months shy of my 45^th birthday. I am a husband and a father and have lived outside of my parent’s roof for 23 years. Even so, I am acutely aware of how much I still need and want a relationship with my parents. In honor of Father’s Day, I’d like to share a few thoughts on how I’d like to imitate and duplicate what I’ve seen in my Dad.

How I treat my wife. As long as I’ve known my Dad, I’ve never heard him swear at my mom or call my mom a name. Ever. I’ve tried to adopt this and in my 14^th year of marriage, so far so good. I hope this one simple thing becomes a standard my four daughters expect in the way their future husbands treat them.

How I help my kids set high expectations. Growing up, college was always treated as a given. I distinctly remember my father discussing graduate school often when I was growing up. Never in a harsh, “you better do this” kind of way – always woven into the conversation in a non-threatening, “this is just the next step after college” kind of way. I do this often with my girls today. I hope they dream big and aspire to reach their God-given potential.

Living the lesson. Honesty and hard work were huge values of my Dad. In parenting there is the expression “more is caught than taught” and I believe this is largely how I learned these two values – by watching my Dad every day and in all situations. In fact, I still see these values at work today in everything he does. With my daughters, I am constantly evaluating what they see me do, what I say, the expressions I make, the intonation in my voice, etc. I know they are watching, listening and absorbing and it will influence how they live.

Andy Stanley (www.yourmove.is), one of my favorite authors and speakers, talks about how as our kids grow older we lose the position of power we had over them. When kids are young, we have a physical advantage and as they grow up through high school and college we hold positional power as we control the resources. However, physical and position power eventually fade away and if we haven’t led our kids through example and via influence, we will never have the kind of relationship with them that each of us wants in our heart and soul.

While I know I could never do Andy Stanley justice with a paraphrase, his message has stuck with me over the years as I find myself consistently wanting to spend time with my Dad for no other reason than I love him, I enjoy being with him and I want to continue learning from him. I no longer need his day-to-day approval or money, but I still desperately want to make him proud and gain his respect. Our respective geographies are currently preventing a live Father’s Day celebration this year. But I am with him in spirit. I love you Dad. Happy Father’s Day!